He's got SKILLZ

So we've had a post with lots of pictures, then a post with lots of words - it's now time for a post with lots of videos!
YAY!

Finn continues to grow and develop (as one would expect).  It's amazing how excited we can be over the simplest of achievements.  So I thought I would show you a bit of what he can (and can't) do these days.

First of all, the major milestone is being able to hold up his head.  Unfortunately he's REALLY bad at this.  Supposedly he should be not only holding his head up while on his tummy but doing "mini push ups" with his arms.
He's not.
We're at the point now that he doesn't freak out when he's on his tummy, which is good, but he also isn't at all interested in lifting his head.  If we use a toy to try and interest him, he attempts to arch his back and roll over instead of lifting his head.  Maybe he's just lazy - but it ends up looking pretty ridiculous.  Here's an example:



(ps - don't ask me why we call that thing a pterodactyl instead of a butterfly... I don't really know why or how it started, it's just always been...)
 
We can get him to do it properly if we use a pillow though - as shown in the following video (which was the first time he'd done it, so forgive our enthusiastic glee!)



Of course, if you take the picture at just the right time, it looks like he's a head-holding-up pro!

So his "gross motor skills" are lagging a bit behind where he 'should' be.  But we're not too worried because he just seems to be channelling all of his development into his "fine motor skills" which are ahead of where he 'should' be.  Even though he's still (as of today's tummy time) struggling with his head, he's VERY good with his hands.  He can grab things straight off with very little batting, can pass things from one hand to the other, and has lately even begun to turn the pages of his board books with precision!  This video is from a week or so ago but it gives you some idea.  Also it's of his mostest favouritest toy EVER - the bucky ball.  We can just give it to him and he's entertained for ages.  The only trouble is that when he drops it it rolls which is annoying.  But his skills are so good that he doesn't drop it very often.



He really loves this thing...

But he's not just working on his muscles.  He's also developing more and more of a vocabulary.  Well, sort of.  Basically it's the same noises but with the new discovery that he can make THEM LOUDER! 
These videos don't even do it justice as, again, they're about a week old - and he's just getting louder and more "screechy" by the day.  I don't envy our neighbours sometimes (to be honest, I don't envy ME sometimes!).  The worst being that he's also taken to enjoying it so much that he will wake up in the middle of the night just so he can talk to himself.  He isn't hungry and doesn't want to be picked up - he just wants to lie in his cot at 4:00 am and "ululate" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ululation).  I don't want to wake up the neighbours though so we have to pick him up and take him through to the living room, which makes him angry, and either James or I spend the next 45 minutes or so sleepily trying to "hush" him.  Other than that, it is pretty funny.
I don't have any videos of him really going at it yet, but I've got these three that show you his range a bit... at least at night when he's drifting off to sleep (or supposed to be) he will "talk" much softer... which is itself rather amusing.
So I'll leave you with three Finn "stories." One quiet at bedtime, one medium during a nappy change, and one loud while he was just hanging out (apologies for the weird angle - he's easily distracted by the sight of the camera). We'll save the truly LOUD for a later post...

A quiet story

A medium story

A loud story

Being a mother

I thought it was time to have a post that was less "here are pictures of what we've done" and more "here's what's been on my mind these days."
It's been prompted by a few things, the most recent of which being the fact that we've officially had our first "new parents trip to the hospital over nothing" incident.
But before I get into that, it's also prompted by something I've been pondering for a bit.  When we meet up with people for the first time or if it's been awhile, we are often asked "how's Finn?" or "how has it been living with a baby?" or other questions along those lines.  But when we were with family over Christmas, my mother-in-law's first question on the drive from the airport was "how are you finding being a mother?"  And I was completely caught off my guard because I hadn't really thought of it in those terms enough to have a quick reply.  I don't really know how I'm finding it being a mother.  And I've been thinking about it ever since.

I'd discussed it with James a bit.  I thought there was something wrong with me because I found it hard to think of Finn as "my" son.  Not in the sense of not connecting with him but in the possessive sense.  I've never been able to feel like he belongs to me.  He is Finn, he is so himself and so amazingly individual and I found it hard to ever think of him in terms of "mine."  I still find it hard to say "my son."  I still don't fully understand why that is difficult for me, and I'm sure it will lessen with time, but I think it comes from an aspect of being a mother that I didn't anticipate.  When I think of him, I can be overwhelmed by the privilege of him.  The fact that I get to be his mother is more intensely felt than the fact that he is my son.  True, there are times that I am amazed that he came from me and James and that he didn't exist before and that "we created this."  But more often I am amazed that I have been trusted with such a huge thing as the person that is Finn.  And that is how I'm finding being a mother.  I think that's what caught me off guard about the question.  It's easy to get wrapped up in the "how is he sleeping?" and "how are you finding being at home with him all the time?" and "is he doing A, B, or C yet?" and let the question of how he has changed me drift to the side.  But Finn is unequivocally not mine.  He is entirely his own.  Which makes the fact of being his mother all the more life changing.  So, no, he is not mine.  But he is "my son" which means I am given the privilege of helping him to become the amazing person that he will one day be.

So before I can understand how I'm taking to being a mother, I need to first discover what does it mean to me to be a mother?  I still don't really know and I'm sure it's different for everyone.  But I'm discovering what it means to me bit by bit along the way.  I get little shocks of things I have never felt before, things I never knew I could to, responsibility I never knew I could live up to.  These two pictures express that a bit:

I still can't get over the fact that I can do this.  Not so much along the lines of what I can give to Finn.  That doesn't amaze me - I would give him anything.  But that fact that he trusts me, is comforted by me, that I can make him happy and he expects me too.  These are all things that he gives to me.  And when he gives me that trust and expectation that I will care for him - then I do feel like a mother.

But sometimes you can't fulfil.  When we returned from Amsterdam, Finn came down with a virus.  He is snotty and sneezy and his eyes are red and watery and he's wholly unhappy.  The first 24 hours of it were a bit intense.  He was crying non-stop when he was awake.  I could calm him down by nursing him, but that was the only way - and the only way he could sleep.  Which meant he was on the breast sometimes for more than an hour, or with only a gap of 45 minutes in between.  Obviously this meant that I hadn't slept in 24 hours, and that he wasn't really sleeping well - which of course made him cry more.  It was like he was looking at me and James with these huge eyes of "make it better - you are the people who make things better and you're not doing it" and we just couldn't.  He was just crying and crying and crying until I felt like I had so utterly failed him.  It got to the point where we figured that there had to be Something Wrong.  In the Something WRONG  sense.  When it had hit truly 24 hours of inconsolability, we phoned the NHS direct helpline, they talked through the symptoms with us and advised us to go see the doctor just to make sure.  So at 10:30 at night we went to the hospital to see the out-of-hours GP.  As you may have guessed, there was nothing he could do.  There is actually a long story involved as this doctor was horrible and patronising and it was a very negative experience (he actually refused to let James hold him still when he wanted to examine his ears because "men like to pretend they are good with babies but only mothers can do it properly" which goes against EVERYTHING we believe and was completely contrary to the fact that James had been keeping him brilliantly calm up until that point) but anyway, I won't get into that right now.  The end result was basically that: yes, there was something wrong - Finn wasn't feeling well and it was upsetting him.  But it wasn't even close to life threatening and there wasn't anything anyone could do about it and he wasn't actually inconsolable because you've just said the only time he isn't crying is when he's nursing or you're holding him.  So nurse him and hold him.  That's what he needs right now.  He's tired and unhappy so do what you can to make him comfortable but you're going to have to wait it out for the most part.

And again, I had a shock of feeling like a mother.  Because I can't just LET him be MISERABLE!  He's looking at me and begging me to make him feel better.  Normally I can make him feel better.  What do you mean there is nothing I can do to make him feel better!?  The anger I felt at the world that Finn was sick and I had to just wait it out and couldn't even explain to him that he would eventually feel better was something I hadn't really felt before.  It was an overwhelming sense of "I feel your pain" in the true sense.  That's not entirely true - I had felt it before.  When Finn got his immunisations and was so upset that I was in tears, I felt that way.  But at least then I could give him cuddles and in a small way make him feel better... this not being able to do anything is worse.  And I started to think about him growing up and skinning his knee or breaking a bone, or getting his heart broken, or all the many times I am not going to be able to make it better.  And knowing those times will happen makes me sad.  Even knowing that they need to happen and he will be a better person for it doesn't help that I feel sad that I can't keep him in a permanent state of bliss for his entire existence.  And that feels like being his mother.

And then I took it one step further.  After we got back from the hospital, Finn had been crying so much in the taxi that he had exhausted himself to the point that he was actually asleep when we got home.  We put him straight in his cot and James and I immediately fell into bed.  I dreamt that we were all on holiday and knowing how much Finn loves having a bath, I thought he would enjoy the pool.  So I put him on a raft in the pool and went to get his towel (don't judge me!  It was a DREAM!).  I then got distracted and was away longer than I expected.  When I came back, Finn was at the bottom of the pool.  Just the sight of him there was enough to jolt me straight awake with a gasp.  And I lay there in bed imagining what I would do if something were to ever happen to him.  And THAT feels like being his mother.  Because even a dream or an imagining of that is so heart-wrenchingly painful that I can't help but cry.  It's amazing how someone I've only known for three and a half months could be so important that I can't imagine life without them.  I'd heard a quote a while ago and it didn't quite register.  But as I was writing this blog I remembered it again and sought it out.  It's from Elizabeth Stone (though I don't know who Elizabeth Stone is):

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart walking around outside your body"

I feel that.  I get that.  So, yes - even if Finn is not "mine" I am most definitely his.  And though that carries a massive amount of responsibility and heartache, I wouldn't trade it in for the world.  And when I realise how true that is, I really do feel like a mother.

Amsterdam!

Yesterday we returned from our trip to the lovely city of Amsterdam, so I thought I would share some photos (LOTS).  James and I agreed that travelling with a baby was difficult in some ways but entirely doable and we still really enjoyed ourselves.  The difficulties were mainly to do with 1) the guilt of Finn crying in a hotel room at night 2) the inability to pack loads of activities into one day and 3) the lack of one-on-one engagement to entertain him.

Luckily all of these were manageable, partly because we are really lucky with Finn and the fact that he enjoys seeing new things and being outside - so 3) didn't matter as he was totally fine to just stroll around in his pram and look around (wo betide us if we put the cover up on the pram - I think people thought we were freezing him out but he wants to be able to watch stuff).

2) was also fine because we're lucky that he's now on a rotation - it's not really a schedule in any way as the timings hit differently each day depending on when we get up for the day, but he's on a very regular three hour rotation.  He eats for about half an hour, is awake for about an hour and a half, sleeps for about an hour and then repeat.  This means that we can plan accordingly.  So we were able to visit the Anne Frank house (where she hid) which is obviously a quiet and somber place just by starting our walk there in his wrap sling when he was due to be falling asleep.  He was asleep by the time we got there, and we made it around the entire place just in time for him to wake up hungry as we sat down in a cafe.  By keeping to his schedule like this, we had an easy-going time of it.  Yes, we couldn't see as much as we would have before Finn came along but it meant we prioritised and spent more time relaxing in cafes and our hotel room.  It was almost nice to be forced to sit down somewhere every three hours! Of course it didn't always work out exactly to plan... but then we just improvised.  When he woke up halfway through the Van Gogh museum obviously starving (or so he would have you believe) I wrapped the sling in a loose toga way and fed him while walking around (it's times like these I'm really glad to be breastfeeding for entirely selfish reasons!).  I couldn't carry on long term because he's getting really heavy (14 lbs 9 oz!) but it worked long enough to finish off the museum.

As for 1) ... well... there's no way around him being unhappy at night.  So we just did our best to keep it as short as possible and hope that the people near us are understanding.

All in all it was a fantastic time and I can't wait to take Finn along on another exciting adventure.

SO!  On to the pictures!

We took the train there (around 4 and a half hours total, with a change in Brussels).  The way there it was very crowded but Finn seems to enjoy trains nearly as much as planes and we let him sleep through as much of the journey as we could.  We arrived in the afternoon, checked into our hotel, dropped off the pram, put him in the wrap and had a good wander around.

We also had a look around the red-light district but there are no pictures of that!!!
After a fantastic dinner out and an early night, we started the next morning but heading straight to a cafe

Then it was off to the Van Gogh Museum.  Afterwards I consulted a map to see where to go next and Finn practiced grabbing things (a new skill!)

We then went to the grocery store for our traditional evening meal one night of the local specialties in bread, cheese, and beer.  In doing so we found Finn to be particularly useful (or at least his pram)...

The next day we headed to the Anne Frank house (and another cafe)

All of this walking around is really exhausting!

Then we got back on the train to head home.  This time we were in a car that was nearly empty.  Which was good because Finn wanted to do his two most favourite things as of late:
1) make lots of bizarre and loud noises including squeaks, squeals and fake coughs and
2)  play with his tongue and all the strange noises that can make....

As you can see, good times were had all around!

Hoover entertainment

We've discovered that Finn enjoys the hoover, so we sometimes do it just so that he will be quiet.
We got this nice little video of a very contented Finn in the Isle of Man, just five minutes after he was inconsolably crying the flat down.
(The video is much louder than the other videos we've uploaded, so you might want to turn your volume down before you start it!)

Christmas and the Isle of Man!

Merry Christmas and a happy New Year to you all!
We are now back safe and sound from a fantastic trip to the Isle of Man and as promised/warned, I am providing a very long post all about what is new in the wonderful world of Finn.
There are LOTS of pics and videos...

Before I get into the trip though, January 2nd meant that Finn turned 3 months old!  So here's his monthly update:

2 months old

3 months old

SO! What did we do in the Isle of Man?

We stayed on our own in the beautiful seaside flat.  So we got lots of hanging out and relaxing:

Finn met his cousins for the first time:

And later they got some good cuddles in

We took some walks outside and got lots of fresh air

Which also meant lots of long naps

We spent lots of time working on Finn's neck control, which we're happy to report is steadily getting better.  One of the issues is how much he hates being on his tummy... but we've discovered that he will tolerate it a bit longer (and almost be happy about it) if he's on top of one of us - so we now do "tummy-to-tummy tummy time" which can end up being quite ridiculous!

We read Finn's favourite book over and over again... I love how much he loves being read to, even when he's so young!  You can just see it in his face...

And we had a fabulous Christmas Day.
We were having too much fun with the boys to remember to take pictures of Finn (especially as he slept through the presents part), but we at least got some of his wonderful Christmas outfit!

Overall it was a fantastic trip, a fantastic holiday, and I can't wait to go back!