a video!

Just that - a video!!

Tooth update...

Phew!  I was getting worried there - a monthly update that didn't include any new teeth?  That is so unlike Finn.

But that all changed this morning - BOTH of his bottom molars came through last night, bringing the teeth count up to 10!

11 months old!

Yup - he's nearly 11 1/2 months old now, but I haven't managed to upload all the photos and videos and stuff until now, so it's a bit late.  Not much has changed in the past couple weeks though so it's all still good!

Anyway, here is Finn's 11 month update!

10 months old

11 months old

As always I have to start with an apology for how rubbish his monthly picture is... and so here are some of the outtakes so you can see that it really is the best of a bad bunch (he's in two different outfits because we tried on the 2nd as normal and then again on the 3rd to see if they were any better... and got an ok one)

Again, I haven't had him weighed so I don't know for certain.  But following his normal chart would put him at

9.75 kilos
or 21 lbs 7 oz
or 1 and a half stones
depending on your preference.



He hasn't got any more teeth in the past month but he's lately doing this a lot:

So I think he might be working on his molars.  I can't quite get a good enough look to know...


His hair is most definitely blond.  Which might account for why it's still so hard to see.  But it is getting longer!  And he has two hair whorls at the back which makes it sort of stick up funny in a cowlick right at the back.  This isn't a very good picture - but at least you can see his hair!

These show you his hair as well and are from an instance I won't forget - Finn normally plays happily with toys on the bathroom floor while I shower, but this day he waited until I was completely lathered and soapy with a hair full of conditioner to start hysterically crying and trying to climb into the shower with me... at first I tried to calm him down but then realised that his clothes would dry so "whatever" and I scooped him up and plopped him in the shower with me - where he happily splashed in the water and played with my comb until I was finished and we got out.  But not before I took a couple pictures to remember it by :)

There's one bit of hair you can always clearly see, though - he has the most incredible eyelashes!!  I love them (and I want them for myself).  They are so long they almost curl back on themselves to touch his forehead.  These pictures are not only adorable - but show them off really well...

And also this less-than-adorable picture from when I accidentally used the flash on the camera (I don't know if Finn had ever seen the flash before!).  But check out those lashes!!!

What else?  It's funny to look back on the 10 month update and realise how much can change in one month!  That one discussed the fact that he was sitting up but still a bit unsteady.  That's totally a non-issue now.  Now, he not only sits up just fine, but can easily hold himself steady while standing... and we can now even leave him to sit himself back down again after he pulls himself up (which is a huge relief).  A couple of times he has even managed to let go and balance briefly without holding on to anything... but that has literally only happened twice, so I don't think it quite counts as 'free standing' yet.  Although he does sit fine now, he doesn't often do it.  If he's playing he much prefers to sort of sit/kneel.

He also gets himself into weird positions when he's in his carrier.  He adores to hang himself upside down and watch the world go by that way.  No matter how much he enjoys it, it looks awful - and I wonder what other people think when they see us carrying him that way.  I want to explain to every person we pass that he likes it and is doing it on purpose!  Here is him on his way to his first day at nursery. And speaking of nursery, I think this picture looks like the traditional school photo!  But I like the outtake much better:

His favourite things are still those that make noise and play music.  James posted a couple videos last week but here is another one - this one shows off his new full-body dancing!

And another video of his new ability to lip-smack :)

I think that's all for the update really - but I wanted to share a couple stories with you that are just bizarre.
It's a well known fact that everyone loves Finn, of course :)
Sometimes (often) people stop to chat and coo at him etc.  But the other day we were walking back from nursery (very slowly as I was still on crutches!) and an older man stopped us to say 'hi' and 'how old is he' etc and all the normal things.  We chatted briefly and Finn smiled and cooed away.  And then, as we went to move on, the man reached into his pocket and gave me a handful of coins as he said "here, please, buy the baby some chocolate!"  I tried to refuse but he was so insistent and the situation was so odd, that I ended up taking it.  It came to £1.23 and I've set it aside for a time when Finn can eat chocolate - it would just be rude not to do as the man wished!

Secondly is a story that I'm not too sure how I feel about.  The other day I was in the dentist and was slightly late to pick Finn up from nursery (only by 5 minutes!  But I still got a telling off...).  He must know around what time I come though, so he was seemingly expecting my arrival.  Enter another woman who is about my height and build and, although blond, wears her hair in a similar ponytail.  But otherwise, NOTHING LIKE ME!  The nursery reported that when she came in to pick up her daughter Finn immediately crawled over to her crying and pulling himself up on her leg.  He was so upset and insistent that she had to pick him up and try to calm him down - and when the nursery workers tried to take him away from her he was grabbing and clinging.  He thought she was me.  !?!?!  Ok, fine, it's a one-off right?  I was late, he was anxious - who knows.  The very next day James picked him up (I was at the dentist AGAIN).  He had him in the carrier and was getting the daily update and saying goodbye to the workers and the same woman walked in.  And again, Finn went crazy - reaching for her and crying and not knowing why his "Mum" was ignoring him.  Although she didn't ignore him - no one could!  So she came over to try and convince him that she wasn't me... but he wasn't having it.  In the end James had to just leave!  How does he not know who I am!?  Funny yes.  But... what?!

So that's it I suppose.  The next monthly update will be when Finn is one YEAR old!!  I can't believe it!  But until then, as always, I'll leave you with some random pictures that I like :)

And a message from Finn: 

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School Music

Just a quick update / place-holder: the first two weeks of Finn's daily report sheets from nursery and then a couple of videos of Finn's continuing musical exploration...


Finn's nursery report sheets: Weeks one and two

Tuesday 21st August 2012
Finn joined in with a water activity, he used both hands to splash in the water and popped bubbles with his finger. Also really enjoyed banging on drums with both hands and spinning the wheels on a car.

Wednesday 22nd
Finn really enjoyed exploring flour with his hand. He was feeling the texture and making marks using his fingers.

Thursday 23rd
Finn had a great time exploring paints using his whole body. He made prints and marks with his hands. Also enjoyed exploring sand outside in the sand pit.

Friday 24th
Finn enjoyed watching a puppet show and listening to songs, such as Old MacDonald and Three Little Monkeys.

Tuesday 28th
Finn explored the musical line (a selection of instruments and pots to bang). He used a wooden spoon to bang on the instruments.

Wednesday 29th
Finn enjoyed listening to a selection of songs and rhymes accompanied by props and puppets.

Thursday 30th
Finn enjoyed exploring different objects in a treasure basket, such as brushes and spoons. He also had fun in the sand pit outside.

Friday 31st
Finn enjoyed the musical instruments. He really enjoyed banging the drums with a drum stick and his hands

[We didn't get a report sheet on the first day of nursery because we were there with him. The second week coincided with a Bank Holiday, so he didn't go in on that Monday.]


Videos of Finn being "musical"

Having failed to get Finn to play the harmonica, yesterday we tried him on the whistle. We were very happy to see how easily he started tooting on it and enjoying himself...

Yesterday we Super Cleaned the carpet (hiring a carpet cleaner from a shop etc.) and so the keyboard came out for the first time since Finn's been around. He enjoyed it, though his style might be a little avant garde for some...

Mixed feelings

Hello everyone... or everytwo, depending on how many people actually read this blog... :)

Again I start with apologies for leaving it so long.  But there is good reason.  It's been a bit of a rough time in the Ph/ranklin household.
And yes, I know that Finn turned 11 months old yesterday - and yes, there will be a monthly update coming in the near future, but I wanted to write up this post first....

So what's been going on?  Well the bullet point answer is this:
Finn started nursery
Finn has the permanent-nursery-induced-snotty-cough
Stopping breastfeeding during the day has sent my hormones spiralling into weeping depression
We moved Finn back into his closed off crib which has made night times worse
James went away on a conference for a week
I've injured my ankle and can't walk

Basically a fairly unpleasant month.  I can cover most of those topics easily enough:

We're still dealing with sleep issues with Finn.  We got it to a good point, but then decided it was time to start the process of putting him in his own crib.  For the past few months, we had his crib up against our bed with one side taken off. It worked really really well, and all were happy.  But now we've changed it and it will get worse before it gets better.  And I'm very tired.

It was very hard being a single parent without James around.  I really respect all the single Mums out there - or Mums that aren't necessarily single, but don't have their partner around for whatever reason.  Getting everything done is hard work.  I imagine, like everything, you find your way to make it work and then it gets easier with routine, but I was exhausted after just a week... superheros, the lot of you.

I don't know exactly what's up with my ankle.  I've got a doctor's appointment today to see what they say and to hopefully get a note to borrow some crutches.  The past couple days I haven't been able to put any weight on it at all so have been hopping everywhere - which, of course, has made my other leg sore!  Everything I read is telling me to rest it, rest it, rest it.  But how can you rest it with a baby?!?!  Especially when you're on your own?  So my not resting it has obviously made it worse.  Luckily James is back now.  He took Finn to nursery this morning so that I can go to the doctor and 'rest it.'  Still not quite sure how I'm going to pick Finn up from nursery though - but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it...

So that brings me to the big thing for this month.  Nursery.  Known in the US as daycare, and often in our house as baby school.
I don't start work until the 17th of September, but the nursery wanted Finn to start early because there are two sets of twin babies due to start in September and they wanted him to be settled before they started.  It's actually been quite good to have him start early.  It's nice knowing that I'm nearby in case anything goes horribly wrong (not that it will).  Very strange to drop him off for 'no reason' though...
I love his nursery.  They are all so lovely and kind and Finn seems to have a great time there.  They do activities every day and post pictures up so you can see what they've done.  They send a daily report home telling you what he's done/eaten/napped/etc.  Here's his first one:

Currently, Finn is the only baby (they are mixed ages up to 3) and the other kids dote on him (especially the girls).  They greet our arrival with a "yay! Finn's here!" His keyworker, Sharon, seems to genuinely care for Finn and he is clearly forming a good connection with her.  It's altogether a fantastic place and I couldn't imagine a better one.

But that doesn't make it easy.  My feelings are so mixed.  On one hand, I know that being there is actually good for him and he's learning important social skills... on the other, I can't help but thing that I'm being selfish my leaving him with other people all day.
Although he does love it there, he cries and cries when I leave.  And that gives me such guilt.  He grabs at my legs and starts going 'MAMA!' and I have to say goodbye and walk away.  It KILLS me.  I end up in tears everyday.  I understand that it's better than sneaking out.  I understand that he needs to learn that I come back.  I understand that he's fine very quickly after I'm gone.  But that doesn't help the guilt or make the moment of turning my back on him any easier to do.  At the end of last week I lost it.  James was away, I hadn't slept, I was emotional anyway - and then he looked at me with these desperate eyes when I tried to hand him over... and I just burst into tears.  Which I'm sure didn't help the situation.  The staff were so understanding though.  They let me hold him until I'd calmed down a little bit.  Then took him outside to distract him while I collected myself and left.  And then about 20 minutes later, they called me (!) to make sure I was ok and to reassure me that he was already fine and happily playing.  Did I mention that I love this place?

I think the day weaning hasn't helped.  My hormones are all out of whack and I'm just weepy and emotional all the time - it's like being pregnant again!  So I can't come to grips with what I'm actually feeling.
I was out with a friend and describing to him the sort of fun things they do (strip him down to a nappy and let him use his whole body to paint on the floor!!!) when he asked me why I looked so sad when I talked about such fun things.  I didn't even realise I was feeling sad - but then when he asked I realised that I was on the edge of tears.  Because, these things ARE fun. They are amazing and he seems to enjoy them so much.  But I don't get to see that enjoyment.  I get to see pictures, but it's not the same.  And I realised that this is the first time in his (and my) life that he is growing/learning/experiencing life without me.  And that makes me sad.  I've had a full glorious year (nearly) of being a twosome, a team, and I've absolutely loved watching the world through his eyes.  But that's done now.  And I think I'm missing that joy almost as much as missing Finn himself.  There will never come another time when I get to spend that much time with Finn.  Ever.  This marks the beginning of his own path that is separate to me.  And as much as I know it is GOOD, and RIGHT, and BETTER, it is still so so very sad.
 The very things that make me well up with amazement and pride and 'wow, what a difference' also make me hurt and sigh and 'I wasn't there.'

So what exactly am I feeling?
Guilt, sadness, pride, anxiety, trust, indecision, frustration, pleasure, anger, relief, resignation...
I guess 'mixed emotions' pretty much sums it up!

I know they are giving him so much that I never could.  I'll put my hands up and say that I wouldn't think to let him body paint naked on the floor!  Or explore drawing in flour. And I certainly can't provide him with a load of happy playmates... And I also know that I need to work.  Unless we move into a smaller cheaper flat and forgo all treats and travel, I can't quit my job.

But knowing that doesn't always help.  Sometimes knowing just makes the guilt that much more.  I'd feel guilty if I took him away from nursery now - knowing how much he gains from it.  And I feel guilty keeping him in... just can't win!  But wanting to live in London, and be in a safe location, and near to friends we care about, and able to travel, and visit family, and buy books, and food, and save for the future and not worry about making ends meet - those aren't that selfish of desires are they?  Surely they balance out being looked after by someone else during the day.  Especially if that looking after is so positive!  So WHY does it feel wrong?

At least we've got a semi-compromise. I'm only working part-time so I can pick him up at 3:30 each day.  The afternoons are ours.  Currently he falls asleep nearly as soon as he gets home, but that's ok.  I can still give him kisses and cuddles on the walk home (which I probably do WAY too much!).  And I'm sure eventually I'll get used to it.  But right now, currently, I'm... well... mixed.