The Nursery Saga: Orry starts and Finn changes

The biggest thing that happened in October was that I went back to work and Finn and Orry started at nursery. This is a new nursery and not the one that Finn went to, mainly because we've moved since then and so no longer in the catchment area (which was something absurd like 150 metres from their door). Also because I had taken Finn out of the nursery he had moved into there. The nursery saga is quite a long one that I don't think I have explained yet. So I'm going to start from the beginning.

Finn's nursery that he went to from a baby was amazing. It was a Children's Centre (so run by the Council) and really lovely and we would have loved Finn (and Orry) to stay there forever. But it was only able to take children up to three years old. At the time we put him in that nursery, that didn't seem like a problem at all as it was SO far away (three?! That's OLD!). Who could have guessed how swiftly it would have come around :)

So when Finn was about to turn three (and Orry was about to be born) we had to find a new place for Finn to go. Next door to the nursery is a school. They used to be run by the same people but they aren't any more, though they still share a building. So it seemed like the logical next step was to put Finn in to the nursery class of the school. The term after a child turns three they get 15 hours of free childcare. This comes out to two and a half days. So it actually was going to work out fairly well. He could stay in Packington full time until the new term in January (giving me some good time with the new baby) when he would drop down to just the free hours (in his case Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesday mornings) from then on saving us some money, giving me and Orry some time together, but still having flexible fun the other days. Some of his good friends were doing the same thing and it really seemed like it was all going to be perfect.

It was not.

It was awful.

There is a HUGE difference between a children's centre nursery and the nursery class at a school. And it was not a difference that suited Finn. There were 30 children for one teacher and one teaching assistant. The teaching assistant (Miss Maddie) was lovely and very kind and Finn latched on to her as a safety net but there was no way she could give him the attention he needed. His teacher was just not interested. As it turned out, it was her last year. She left to write children's books or something and was quite open to the parents about the fact that she had been a teacher for too long and had lost the love of it. So she was very little support for Finn. My heart breaks for him thinking of how hard he must have found it. The trouble was, the feedback I was getting was that he was "fine" "happy" etc. Granted, he was crying when we dropped him off, but he had a new sibling now, things were changing, he sometimes cried at his other nursery as well. So I didn't really know how unhappy he was until I started paying more attention. I forgive myself for this time - I did have a new baby distraction - but I'm still sad about it.

Finn doesn't take well to new things anyway and he is very easily overwhelmed and takes a while to warm to activities. But the school was quite strict in its plans and schedules. He would spend ages hanging on the side building up the courage to join in, then just as he would get going, it would be time to stop and do something else. Also, we had to be there precisely by 9.00 (doors opened at 8.50) or we were sent to pick up a late ticket and sign the late book then Finn would be escorted to his class (class?! He had just turned THREE). Needless to say this was very difficult for me to get him there on time when I was still trying to find my feet with having two children to sort out. So we were often in a rush and it was stressful. There were times when I would just take him out (like trips to the Isle of Man or just days out) and I was told I had to go to the desk and leave a written notice for why he was taking unauthorised leave. It was ridiculous. But the worst was lunch. They had lunch in the big hall with all the other children. They had to queue up with their plates and get food served to them and sit at long tables in a big noisy hall. It was too much for Finn and he found it very overwhelming. There were a few times that I was called to come and get him because he was too distressed and was refusing to go in. Sometimes he would just wet himself because he was so scared of the lunch hall and if he was hungry enough that he made himself go in he would find a table as far away from anyone as possible and eat on his own. Again, these are not things I was told about at the time. They were brought up later, as if they were inconsequential, after I had approached his teacher to discuss the behavioural changes we were noticing at home.

I could go on for ages about all the things that were not good about this place. But I think you get the idea (oh! one more! They had a policy that they would change children that had and accident unless it was poo. If they pooed in their pants then the parent would be called and have to come in and sort it out. The child (thankfully this never happened to Finn, but did to a friend of his) would be left as they were until the parent could come. Which took an hour in his friend's case. An hour crying with poo in his pants waiting for someone to help him. Horrid).

So anyway. A lot about this place I'm sure is good for some children. Some kids thrive with routine and strict boundaries and etc etc. But not Finn. He wasn't thriving. Quite the opposite. He was very upset and cried every single morning. He started throwing huge tantrums. Some that even lasted for a full day (you might remember these being mentioned on the blog) and he started not talking.  At first it was just a part of the tantrum but then it became more than that. He was pulling farther into himself and it started to really worry me. And that's when I went to his teacher to talk to her about what was going on and if he had shown any worrying things while at nursery. This is when I found out about a lot of the things that had been going on and this is when his teacher said the most ridiculous thing to me that finally broke the camel's back.

When I told her how worried I was about his stopping speaking she brushed it aside and said "oh you know kids - they can be so manipulative sometimes. I wouldn't worry about it." I went straight from that discussion (it was in the morning) to walk the radius around our flat and put applications in for every other nursery that was nearby. All of them were full but his name was on the list everywhere. I explained the situation to one of the managers and she was so amazing and caring and understood just what I was saying at what the issues surrounding everything might be etc. This is the nursery where they are both currently going and I have my suspicions that we were moved up on the waiting list because of the issues we were having with Finn - my initial queries were met with a quite solid "no space." But after going in person to talk with her I think she saw how important it was to get Finn into a nursery like theirs and a space all the sudden opened up that Finn could take in October (this was around April I applied everywhere and I heard back from them in May/June). There was no space for Orry though. But then a few weeks later a part time place opened up and they said Orry could have it (Tues - Fri) again from October. I took Finn out of the other nursery and had him home with me (thankfully I was able to do this!).

His clearly traumatic experience really had an effect on him but I think this new nursery is undoing a lot of it. I'm glad he's an October baby so could put off school for another year (in the UK, kids start school the September after they turn four. So August babies start when they are very young and October babies start when they are nearly a year older. It's partly on purpose why we have two October babies!) I can't imagine what it would have been like if he had gone straight on from the other. But I digress.

Because of his issues, we arranged for a very long settling in period for his new nursery. We talked quite a bit about his going to a new nursery when I went back to work and he was really upset, claiming he loved all his friends (when pressed he could come up with only two names. One, Gabor, whom he had been at Packington with, and another Maria, who was his only other actual new friend) and would miss them and he loved his teacher and he loved his big boy school. I didn't believe him for a second of course. So our settling period was plotted out over about four weeks. The first two weeks we just went for an hour every other day to play with their toys and see what they did and I didn't leave. The first day we had to spend 20 minutes standing outside because he was shaking so bad and terrified of going in. We finally got in the door and just spent some time in their entry way, talking about all the interesting things we could see on the walls etc. and then went home. The next day we made it into the room with all the other children for a little bit but then back out to the entry way. and so on and so on. It took a long time to get him to go in and have a go and have a play.

But then he did. And he liked it. He has a key worker called Giovanna who is his "special grown up friend" there that he is very close to and as long as she was there he even let me wander off from time to time. The settling in time went really really well. And he has been there now for over a month and it's amazing the change that has come over him. It's like we have our old Finn back. He's happy, he's friendly, he's engaged and confident. It's amazing. It's entirely play-based there though with focus activities targeted for individual children and he is in control of what he does. And he does a lot. It's such a brilliant place. I love it and I love all of the people who work there for bringing Finn back to a happy place.

Unfortunately I was so focused on settling Finn that I forgot that Orry would also find it hard to settle. So it took another three weeks or so focusing purely on him (while Finn played happily downstairs) before I went back to work. He was quite distressed at some points by being left but now we are through all that it's amazing. He loves it there. He eats, sleeps, plays and spends his day happy and well looked after. Which is amazing. We are so lucky to have found this place and I'm so pleased with it and how well everything has worked out.

But then, of course, now we've found somewhere and they've settled down - now we have to start thinking about the next step. This September, Finn starts in school. And we have to apply for our top six school choices by January. So we've been doing lots of tours of the different schools so we can have a think  about what is going to be the best fit for Finn. They've been quite interesting actually and I think Finn will really enjoy school. But we need to know that he is in the right place. We've finally managed to get our normal boy back and we don't want to lose him again. I'm so thankful that he has this one more year of play before the real world. It makes a big differences to a child how you set them up for learning. and I think Finn is now set up and ready to go!

Orry turns One!

On the 29th of October, Orry turned one year old.

It is amazing to reflect on how fast the time has gone. It seems like only yesterday that he was like this:

On trying to reflect on the year gone, it strikes us how swiftly time has gone, and how little of it we've stopped to take in. It seems now that we didn't pay enough attention, as looking back it feels that so much has been lost from memory. We cannot now piece together the months end-to-end and make sense of the progression from birth through to now; rather, it seems like he was born, we hunkered down, and soon enough a year had passed... It is almost better not to think of what we've forgotten, or else we'd be too sad at what is now lost to us.
We love our happy lumper of a baby and we almost don't want to admit that time is passing and that he is soon enough going to be a little boy and a baby no longer. He seems too perfect right now, why can time not stop and keep everything just as it is?
Sigh.

But, before getting all Heavy on it, it's probably best to start with an update of where Orry is at 12 months old...

• Teeth: 12 shiny pearls; 8 on the top, and 4 on the bottom. The four on the bottom are the central ones, mirrored on the top, but added to by two canines and two molars towards the back. A lot of teeth for a one year old!
• Crawling: Orry is now a proficient and confident crawler. He will happily crawl off to investigate things or to chase after you or his brother. A half-open door is soon charged down and flung open to see what it is that you're hiding in there. Woe betide all those who try and close the door behind them as they go to the toilet or to shower!
• Pull-ups: He will happily pull himself up on things and has came to be quite good at assisted-standing across October. One of his favourite places to do this, inevitably, is in the bathroom, where he will clatter all the bottles within reach into the bathtub laughing, and then cry in the hope that someone will return them to be crashed in again (we don't so pander!), then he'll race over to the the toilet in the hope that someone's left the seat up so that he can peer in and think about reaching in or finding something to throw in.
• Dexterousness: He shocked us around the time of his birthday by being able to stack three or so blocks on top of each other without help. That's quite something! Especially when we've not "worked on it" with him - it was just something he decided to do one day and he did it. His favourite activity is throwing balls, which he is very good at. If you sit in the right place across the room from him, you can throw a ball back and forth for minutes at a time. He's probably better at throwing a ball like that than Finn is.
• Coordination: He isn't very coordinated, and he certainly isn't close to walking. He is rubbish at getting off things - chairs, beds etc. Generally he will clamber to the edge and then just keep on going until he topples off head-first. It is unclear whether he does so knowing that we're there to catch him, or whether he just doesn't get it. Either way, we've always been there to catch him on his nose-dives.
• Playing with Finn: He loves to play with Finn and his favourite play activity is jumping around on Finn's bed. Loud shouting, laughing, falling over, clambering about - what could be more joyous. If only he could get off again without leaping into the unknown!
• Sleeping: Orry is a very bad sleeper still. He now sleeps for longer periods at the start of the night, but he can be up a number of times between midnight and his being very much awake at 6am. It is hard especially on Cori now that she is working. Thinking of Finn, we try not to recall that this is likely to go on solidly for another year or so, before easing off to negligible only in another two or more years. The prospect of that is too awful to stare at square in the face!
• Allergies: All now mostly under control. Some days are worse than others, such as when at Dad's Club when something sets off a rash (the sausages? beans?), but such things are at a level not to really act on or worry about.

Having just mentioned the manageability of his allergies, here is picture from not long before his birthday, when something mysterious set off a skin rash. It wasn't long-lasting and he wasn't too bothered by it - such is the livable-with even keel that we've now achieved with it.

Note the mobile phone in that picture. One of Orry's favourite games with us is to pick up a phone (or phone toy, or phone-like object), put it to his ear and say "He-llo!" This is sometimes done in a business-like fashion before casting the phone aside and getting on with something else, but sometimes it is done and followed by this sort of lovely smile at us.

Orry's actual birthday day went without too much eventfulness; a day at nursery, following by an evening of Cori only with the two of them, as I was at a work event that I couldn't avoid. Orry did get a special dairy & soya free biscuit (an Oreo, no less) to devour. He liked that:

The cake joy also featured as, probably, Orry's highlight from his birthday party, which had an underwater theme, as is demonstrated by the tasteful decorations on the ceiling of the lounge:

Also knocking about were a heap of blow-up fish, whales and dolphins, here sported by Finn (who took a lot of persuasion to "share" the things with anyone else, even Orry - though, according to Finn, he was just protecting them from Orry's sure destruction!):

We did look into hiring somewhere outside, to break the round-our-flat tradition for parties that we've had ever since Finn's first party. (If only we could go to a pub now, but sadly I don't think that the older toddler sibling would make that very feasible!). As it happened, we were arranging it too late and too many people were unavailable to make it make sense. That and the illnesses making their way around meant that by the time the day finally came our numbers were down to just two other groups of friends: Sevinç and Emin, and Anna and Rob. Orry was wary at first, of all these people coming into his house, but it didn't take a couple of minutes before he was comfortable with everyone.
Orry didn't really get that something special was going on for him, but he still enjoyed himself, and he certainly enjoyed the cake:

He also enjoyed opening the presents, though he was vague about understanding that the unwrapping meant a new toy/book/clothes. He did soon get into the hoard of presents that he amassed, some of which is shown here in the post-party mess:

Not in this picture are two toys which were noteworthy: a small box of wooden dinosaurs, and a stuffed toy of Humpty Dumpty.
They were very nice presents but they perhaps wouldn't warrant special mention but for the fact that when I began to play with Orry with them I realised that I had probably not really played such games with him before. It was just sitting on the floor with him and performing some narrative with him with the dinosaurs (their queueing up to eat the leaves from the wooden tree etc.), or else having the Humpty Dumpty leap around, nibble his toes and kiss him etc. All obvious enough, but remarkable in that I'd not so played with him before.
I think that we try and avoid this sort of playing with Finn, as our patience is so much shorter than his in such play, and he never plays when we join in, instead just telling us how to play or else getting annoyed at our playing wrong. We had probably therefore not thought to play with Orry so.
But, however it came to be, it was nice to engage with him like that - to have a new experience or connection with him.
(In actual fact, the toy was Christened "Humpty Bumpty," as Finn pointed out that Humpty Dumpty was very much broken, so this toy could not be him. So I told Finn that this was his cousin, Humpty Bumpty. Finn thought that that was pretty funny, but he refused to allow the thing to fall or get hurt, presumably because of what become of his poor cousin!)

The end of October (and, to be honest, the start of November) is a time for clouds and rain, which made it hard to get the obligatory pictures of the one-year-old, but we managed it in the end, just about. You will note that there is only the one (slightly grainy) picture taken anywhere but with him held up in full sight of the window:

It is strange now to look at him and wonder that a year ago he wasn't a part of our lives; that we ever lived a life without Orry as a part of it and his smiles as a part of our happiness.
It is as if he completes us as a family and as a complete unit of happiness; that he ever was not a part of us seems silly or mad. Surely, we were not ever without Orry; but just getting everything ready for his arrival. As if everything before was only a long prelude to when he arrived, and it was only at that point that any decent accounting of life could begin.
Such is parenting, I suppose.

Orry is a smiler. He is someone full of joy and someone who evidently enjoys being around the rest of his family every day. He thinks that his parents are wonderful, and his brother wondrous, and that everyone should be smiled at and most things laughed at. It is, honestly, a joy to have him around, and we sometimes catch ourselves feeling sorry for people who have other children (surely no other child could possibly be anything compared to Orry!).

Happy birthday, Orry. We love you very much indeed. We look forward to the rest of our lives, with you and your brother in it.

October 2015: Finn's 4th birthday!

On the second of October, Finn turned four years old!
To celebrate, we thought we'd dedicate an entire post to the glory of the Turning Four...

And in case you missed the past few years of updates, this is what you've been missing on Finn's development since 2011:

How time flies!

Finn knew that his birthday was coming some time in advance. It was a conceptual knowledge some time before - that he would not be three at some point, but instead four - but the week or so before the Big Day he was very much aware that he was to have a birthday very shortly. However, his idea of just what a birthday meant was rather vague: a few days before the day he told us the story of how we would have to be sure to open the window so that he could be sure to hear it when "all the people" shout happy birthday to him, as he wasn't going to hear otherwise.
Overall, it wasn't too stressful before the day and it was all very lovely on the day to have him wake up delighted to have it as a birthday day. It meant that he got a new shirt to wear (and show off about his birthday in) to nursery (Finn is still very interested in bones and skeletons these days. Lucky his birthday is near enough to Halloween to make a skeleton shirt easy to find!).

And he got a chocolatey treat at breakfast (an unheard of delight!), as is evidenced by the tell-tale smudge by his lip in this pensive shot here:

But the real chocolate treat came in the form of the cake that came at dinner:

The observant (and keen-eyed) among you will be able to tell what Finn chose as his birthday meal here: beans, fish fingers and stuffing. We tried to reason him into a more reasonable choice, but then we figured that it was probably right to give him what he asked for on his birthday! After the meal came the mound of present opening!

As we were going through it, we realised that we had overdone it somewhat and quietly put some to one side for another occasion (but don't tell Finn that!) - we never seem to learn the lesson that one well-chosen something is better than the heap of stripy-paper-wrapped gifts here! (Though, to defend ourselves, a lot of that had been built up over a long time, and some of it was just wrapped up stuff he needed anyway, like socks and pants!). But his main gift from us for his fourth birthday was this... this... monstrosity!

It is a car-carrier thing made by the people who do the Matchbox/Hot-Wheels cars, and it will fit no less than 40 cars when the top layers are up, as per Finn's excellent modelling. Finn had seen it in a shop in America and had really wanted it there, but Cori had said no as it was far too big, especially to bring back in a suitcase. But he mentioned it a few times after coming back which gave Cori the idea of getting him that. We discussed it for a long time, with the pros and cons including the following: Pro #1. Finn loves cars; Pro #2. Finn loves ordering stuff; Con #1. It's massive; Con #2. It's ugly. Sadly, we admitted that the first two reasons concerned Finn and the latter two concerned us, so we got it for him... But although he was thrilled to see it when he opened it, since then he hasn't liked it that much and hasn't played with it sufficiently to justify its being in the house, the ugly thing!
He did enjoy plenty of other presents though, including this beautiful thing that we were surprised to have Finn ask to put on and then enjoy wearing (and we put in the picture just because he looks cute)!

And, it should be added, this oh-so-cute suit also worked out to be very useful only a week or so later when our electricity meter broke, cutting off all all electricity and heating (since the gas meter runs on electricity!). It was a very cold few days before that was fixed, thanks to a great deal of telephone call making (none of which was actually done by either of those photographed here):

(You will note the tasteful use of an adult onesey here by Finn's father, very helpfully borrowed from Cori's wardrobe).

But, to return to the birthday story...
So, after the Birthday Day was over, the next part of our Birthday doings was the Birthday Adventure, which happened on the Saturday, the day before his party.
Very excitingly and decadently, we took Finn on a trip to York to the National Railway Museum.
For all four of us (two of us paying), it was the sort of expense that we would not ever even consider for an outing, not least because so much is free and within a bus-journey of our home. But we've been to a number of kids parties over the past few years which included the hire of some venue or other, which justified this as a very cheap treat for Finn. And we knew that he would enjoy it. And this was mainly because we did it for his birthday last year and it was a great success.
The lesson we learnt last year was to not assume that there would be time enough to go anywhere else in York, no matter how much we might feel it a crime to go to York for six hours and see nothing but the inside of a Museum built on a siding off the train station! We stuck to the plan this year and reaped the benefits: a great time, at the end of which Finn was happy to leave, and without any wrench of tears and tantrums.

This added amount of time also meant that we could be very relaxed about allowing Finn to investigate it in his own time, and even discover the play area and make the most of that. This did, however, meant that he rather dashed by things like Stephen's Rocket...

... to fix "Stephen's Rocket."

It was, however, a great place for Orry to also hang out:

This was especially appreciated since Orry was otherwise in the wrap on Cori:

But the good thing about "The Train Museum" is that, despite having a lot of people in, it doesn't ever feel as crowded in as your typical London Museum - hence being able to let your kids sprawl out as you gather your things thus:

Our (grown-up) treat was having a lunch there in the cafe, of real food not at all made by us at home with children shouting at us. It was a delight, especially since both the boys were in a good mood:

After food we even did something new there, which was to go on a ride on the mini-train.
I have to admit that it was not nearly as exciting as the ones we'd been on in the Isle of Man or Wales, it made no difference to Finn, who was delighted to go one the thing. This was only partly lessened, we have to admit, by our probably taking our joke story a little too far from when we were distracting Finn as we queued up: Since the train set off with people on, passed by once, (then dropped them off just out of view round the corner) and returned empty, we told Finn that it was probably because they were dumping all the children in the lake at the other end of the track. Finn informed us earnestly that we were "teasing him," but he was then delighted when we passed by a small pond on the way round and shouted out that we were wrong, because we had said that we'd be thrown in the lake and we'd seen the lake and we'd not been thrown in. "Ah ha!," we replied, "but it's on the second time round that the children are thrown in!" ... We didn't push it though, and we didn't actually pass the pond the second time around... which is probably a good thing.
We have no pictures from the train, but we do of the queue:

There was then just the right amount of time to take Finn to the shop to spend some of his birthday money and to sit down with a well-earned cup of tea before getting on the train home again. Phew!

The final part of the three-pronged birthday was the Birthday Party, on the day after the trip to York. We had pre-cleaned the flat etc. so it wasn't as terrible as it sounds, and so we could relax a little in the morning and take some pictures of the newly-four four-year-old:

Those were the ones that Cori took, because she was aggrieved with the ones that I took. I still rather like my lot:

As ever, Finn insisted on posing a family shot, which worked out quite nicely:

Regardless, the birthday party was, like previous years, a group of friends coming round to ours for cake etc. It was very relaxed (but for the marauding mob of kids looking for reckless fun) and Finn had a good time. The children who came were: Lily (With the Yellow Hair), Lily's baby brother Conrad, Lily (With the Black Hair), Gabor and Floré. The last two came a few hours early as their parents were moving house and so we looked after them for a few hours extra. As Floré is the older sister, this was actually a lot of help and a good deal of fun in the end, as it meant that she was on hand to help with the preparations for the party (and of the beans-on-toast lunch too before!), which was a pleasure. It is almost a shame that their parents aren't moving more often!
The mob of party-goers are nearly all seen here represented in this hot-dog-eating picture:

In case you are unclear of whether you are correct in seeing Finn again in the frog/monster/dinosaur costume (Finn himself hasn't really decided what it is yet), here is a close-up of the all-important cake moment:

For some reason we thought that the party needed some central activity. For some extra-special reason Cori thought that tie-dye would be perfect. It wasn't. It was a disaster. Anyone who has done tie-dye will know that one child tie-dying will generally take 20 minutes of complete parent concentration, after a clear 30 minutes set-up and the same afterwards in the clean-up. Multiply that by five, in a small and crowded flat, and you have a lot of stained children and a big mess. For the sake of not staining the camera too, we have no picture of this anarchy, but we do have a picture of the riot of bad taste that was born of this bad idea:

And, in case you were unsure how 90s children can look in this day and age, here are Finn and Orry to style them:

It is pleasing to think of this hardy crew of Finn friends sporting their bad taste in T-shirts and bags across North London now, baring witness to Finn's being four. It's is probably a fitting memorial to the milestone.