Finn's nursery that he went to from a baby was amazing. It was a Children's Centre (so run by the Council) and really lovely and we would have loved Finn (and Orry) to stay there forever. But it was only able to take children up to three years old. At the time we put him in that nursery, that didn't seem like a problem at all as it was SO far away (three?! That's OLD!). Who could have guessed how swiftly it would have come around :)
So when Finn was about to turn three (and Orry was about to be born) we had to find a new place for Finn to go. Next door to the nursery is a school. They used to be run by the same people but they aren't any more, though they still share a building. So it seemed like the logical next step was to put Finn in to the nursery class of the school. The term after a child turns three they get 15 hours of free childcare. This comes out to two and a half days. So it actually was going to work out fairly well. He could stay in Packington full time until the new term in January (giving me some good time with the new baby) when he would drop down to just the free hours (in his case Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesday mornings) from then on saving us some money, giving me and Orry some time together, but still having flexible fun the other days. Some of his good friends were doing the same thing and it really seemed like it was all going to be perfect.
It was not.
It was awful.
There is a HUGE difference between a children's centre nursery and the nursery class at a school. And it was not a difference that suited Finn. There were 30 children for one teacher and one teaching assistant. The teaching assistant (Miss Maddie) was lovely and very kind and Finn latched on to her as a safety net but there was no way she could give him the attention he needed. His teacher was just not interested. As it turned out, it was her last year. She left to write children's books or something and was quite open to the parents about the fact that she had been a teacher for too long and had lost the love of it. So she was very little support for Finn. My heart breaks for him thinking of how hard he must have found it. The trouble was, the feedback I was getting was that he was "fine" "happy" etc. Granted, he was crying when we dropped him off, but he had a new sibling now, things were changing, he sometimes cried at his other nursery as well. So I didn't really know how unhappy he was until I started paying more attention. I forgive myself for this time - I did have a new baby distraction - but I'm still sad about it.
Finn doesn't take well to new things anyway and he is very easily overwhelmed and takes a while to warm to activities. But the school was quite strict in its plans and schedules. He would spend ages hanging on the side building up the courage to join in, then just as he would get going, it would be time to stop and do something else. Also, we had to be there precisely by 9.00 (doors opened at 8.50) or we were sent to pick up a late ticket and sign the late book then Finn would be escorted to his class (class?! He had just turned THREE). Needless to say this was very difficult for me to get him there on time when I was still trying to find my feet with having two children to sort out. So we were often in a rush and it was stressful. There were times when I would just take him out (like trips to the Isle of Man or just days out) and I was told I had to go to the desk and leave a written notice for why he was taking unauthorised leave. It was ridiculous. But the worst was lunch. They had lunch in the big hall with all the other children. They had to queue up with their plates and get food served to them and sit at long tables in a big noisy hall. It was too much for Finn and he found it very overwhelming. There were a few times that I was called to come and get him because he was too distressed and was refusing to go in. Sometimes he would just wet himself because he was so scared of the lunch hall and if he was hungry enough that he made himself go in he would find a table as far away from anyone as possible and eat on his own. Again, these are not things I was told about at the time. They were brought up later, as if they were inconsequential, after I had approached his teacher to discuss the behavioural changes we were noticing at home.
I could go on for ages about all the things that were not good about this place. But I think you get the idea (oh! one more! They had a policy that they would change children that had and accident unless it was poo. If they pooed in their pants then the parent would be called and have to come in and sort it out. The child (thankfully this never happened to Finn, but did to a friend of his) would be left as they were until the parent could come. Which took an hour in his friend's case. An hour crying with poo in his pants waiting for someone to help him. Horrid).
So anyway. A lot about this place I'm sure is good for some children. Some kids thrive with routine and strict boundaries and etc etc. But not Finn. He wasn't thriving. Quite the opposite. He was very upset and cried every single morning. He started throwing huge tantrums. Some that even lasted for a full day (you might remember these being mentioned on the blog) and he started not talking. At first it was just a part of the tantrum but then it became more than that. He was pulling farther into himself and it started to really worry me. And that's when I went to his teacher to talk to her about what was going on and if he had shown any worrying things while at nursery. This is when I found out about a lot of the things that had been going on and this is when his teacher said the most ridiculous thing to me that finally broke the camel's back.
When I told her how worried I was about his stopping speaking she brushed it aside and said "oh you know kids - they can be so manipulative sometimes. I wouldn't worry about it." I went straight from that discussion (it was in the morning) to walk the radius around our flat and put applications in for every other nursery that was nearby. All of them were full but his name was on the list everywhere. I explained the situation to one of the managers and she was so amazing and caring and understood just what I was saying at what the issues surrounding everything might be etc. This is the nursery where they are both currently going and I have my suspicions that we were moved up on the waiting list because of the issues we were having with Finn - my initial queries were met with a quite solid "no space." But after going in person to talk with her I think she saw how important it was to get Finn into a nursery like theirs and a space all the sudden opened up that Finn could take in October (this was around April I applied everywhere and I heard back from them in May/June). There was no space for Orry though. But then a few weeks later a part time place opened up and they said Orry could have it (Tues - Fri) again from October. I took Finn out of the other nursery and had him home with me (thankfully I was able to do this!).
His clearly traumatic experience really had an effect on him but I think this new nursery is undoing a lot of it. I'm glad he's an October baby so could put off school for another year (in the UK, kids start school the September after they turn four. So August babies start when they are very young and October babies start when they are nearly a year older. It's partly on purpose why we have two October babies!) I can't imagine what it would have been like if he had gone straight on from the other. But I digress.
Because of his issues, we arranged for a very long settling in period for his new nursery. We talked quite a bit about his going to a new nursery when I went back to work and he was really upset, claiming he loved all his friends (when pressed he could come up with only two names. One, Gabor, whom he had been at Packington with, and another Maria, who was his only other actual new friend) and would miss them and he loved his teacher and he loved his big boy school. I didn't believe him for a second of course. So our settling period was plotted out over about four weeks. The first two weeks we just went for an hour every other day to play with their toys and see what they did and I didn't leave. The first day we had to spend 20 minutes standing outside because he was shaking so bad and terrified of going in. We finally got in the door and just spent some time in their entry way, talking about all the interesting things we could see on the walls etc. and then went home. The next day we made it into the room with all the other children for a little bit but then back out to the entry way. and so on and so on. It took a long time to get him to go in and have a go and have a play.
But then he did. And he liked it. He has a key worker called Giovanna who is his "special grown up friend" there that he is very close to and as long as she was there he even let me wander off from time to time. The settling in time went really really well. And he has been there now for over a month and it's amazing the change that has come over him. It's like we have our old Finn back. He's happy, he's friendly, he's engaged and confident. It's amazing. It's entirely play-based there though with focus activities targeted for individual children and he is in control of what he does. And he does a lot. It's such a brilliant place. I love it and I love all of the people who work there for bringing Finn back to a happy place.
Unfortunately I was so focused on settling Finn that I forgot that Orry would also find it hard to settle. So it took another three weeks or so focusing purely on him (while Finn played happily downstairs) before I went back to work. He was quite distressed at some points by being left but now we are through all that it's amazing. He loves it there. He eats, sleeps, plays and spends his day happy and well looked after. Which is amazing. We are so lucky to have found this place and I'm so pleased with it and how well everything has worked out.
But then, of course, now we've found somewhere and they've settled down - now we have to start thinking about the next step. This September, Finn starts in school. And we have to apply for our top six school choices by January. So we've been doing lots of tours of the different schools so we can have a think about what is going to be the best fit for Finn. They've been quite interesting actually and I think Finn will really enjoy school. But we need to know that he is in the right place. We've finally managed to get our normal boy back and we don't want to lose him again. I'm so thankful that he has this one more year of play before the real world. It makes a big differences to a child how you set them up for learning. and I think Finn is now set up and ready to go!
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