Mixed feelings

Hello everyone... or everytwo, depending on how many people actually read this blog... :)

Again I start with apologies for leaving it so long.  But there is good reason.  It's been a bit of a rough time in the Ph/ranklin household.
And yes, I know that Finn turned 11 months old yesterday - and yes, there will be a monthly update coming in the near future, but I wanted to write up this post first....

So what's been going on?  Well the bullet point answer is this:
Finn started nursery
Finn has the permanent-nursery-induced-snotty-cough
Stopping breastfeeding during the day has sent my hormones spiralling into weeping depression
We moved Finn back into his closed off crib which has made night times worse
James went away on a conference for a week
I've injured my ankle and can't walk

Basically a fairly unpleasant month.  I can cover most of those topics easily enough:

We're still dealing with sleep issues with Finn.  We got it to a good point, but then decided it was time to start the process of putting him in his own crib.  For the past few months, we had his crib up against our bed with one side taken off. It worked really really well, and all were happy.  But now we've changed it and it will get worse before it gets better.  And I'm very tired.

It was very hard being a single parent without James around.  I really respect all the single Mums out there - or Mums that aren't necessarily single, but don't have their partner around for whatever reason.  Getting everything done is hard work.  I imagine, like everything, you find your way to make it work and then it gets easier with routine, but I was exhausted after just a week... superheros, the lot of you.

I don't know exactly what's up with my ankle.  I've got a doctor's appointment today to see what they say and to hopefully get a note to borrow some crutches.  The past couple days I haven't been able to put any weight on it at all so have been hopping everywhere - which, of course, has made my other leg sore!  Everything I read is telling me to rest it, rest it, rest it.  But how can you rest it with a baby?!?!  Especially when you're on your own?  So my not resting it has obviously made it worse.  Luckily James is back now.  He took Finn to nursery this morning so that I can go to the doctor and 'rest it.'  Still not quite sure how I'm going to pick Finn up from nursery though - but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it...

So that brings me to the big thing for this month.  Nursery.  Known in the US as daycare, and often in our house as baby school.
I don't start work until the 17th of September, but the nursery wanted Finn to start early because there are two sets of twin babies due to start in September and they wanted him to be settled before they started.  It's actually been quite good to have him start early.  It's nice knowing that I'm nearby in case anything goes horribly wrong (not that it will).  Very strange to drop him off for 'no reason' though...
I love his nursery.  They are all so lovely and kind and Finn seems to have a great time there.  They do activities every day and post pictures up so you can see what they've done.  They send a daily report home telling you what he's done/eaten/napped/etc.  Here's his first one:

Currently, Finn is the only baby (they are mixed ages up to 3) and the other kids dote on him (especially the girls).  They greet our arrival with a "yay! Finn's here!" His keyworker, Sharon, seems to genuinely care for Finn and he is clearly forming a good connection with her.  It's altogether a fantastic place and I couldn't imagine a better one.

But that doesn't make it easy.  My feelings are so mixed.  On one hand, I know that being there is actually good for him and he's learning important social skills... on the other, I can't help but thing that I'm being selfish my leaving him with other people all day.
Although he does love it there, he cries and cries when I leave.  And that gives me such guilt.  He grabs at my legs and starts going 'MAMA!' and I have to say goodbye and walk away.  It KILLS me.  I end up in tears everyday.  I understand that it's better than sneaking out.  I understand that he needs to learn that I come back.  I understand that he's fine very quickly after I'm gone.  But that doesn't help the guilt or make the moment of turning my back on him any easier to do.  At the end of last week I lost it.  James was away, I hadn't slept, I was emotional anyway - and then he looked at me with these desperate eyes when I tried to hand him over... and I just burst into tears.  Which I'm sure didn't help the situation.  The staff were so understanding though.  They let me hold him until I'd calmed down a little bit.  Then took him outside to distract him while I collected myself and left.  And then about 20 minutes later, they called me (!) to make sure I was ok and to reassure me that he was already fine and happily playing.  Did I mention that I love this place?

I think the day weaning hasn't helped.  My hormones are all out of whack and I'm just weepy and emotional all the time - it's like being pregnant again!  So I can't come to grips with what I'm actually feeling.
I was out with a friend and describing to him the sort of fun things they do (strip him down to a nappy and let him use his whole body to paint on the floor!!!) when he asked me why I looked so sad when I talked about such fun things.  I didn't even realise I was feeling sad - but then when he asked I realised that I was on the edge of tears.  Because, these things ARE fun. They are amazing and he seems to enjoy them so much.  But I don't get to see that enjoyment.  I get to see pictures, but it's not the same.  And I realised that this is the first time in his (and my) life that he is growing/learning/experiencing life without me.  And that makes me sad.  I've had a full glorious year (nearly) of being a twosome, a team, and I've absolutely loved watching the world through his eyes.  But that's done now.  And I think I'm missing that joy almost as much as missing Finn himself.  There will never come another time when I get to spend that much time with Finn.  Ever.  This marks the beginning of his own path that is separate to me.  And as much as I know it is GOOD, and RIGHT, and BETTER, it is still so so very sad.
 The very things that make me well up with amazement and pride and 'wow, what a difference' also make me hurt and sigh and 'I wasn't there.'

So what exactly am I feeling?
Guilt, sadness, pride, anxiety, trust, indecision, frustration, pleasure, anger, relief, resignation...
I guess 'mixed emotions' pretty much sums it up!

I know they are giving him so much that I never could.  I'll put my hands up and say that I wouldn't think to let him body paint naked on the floor!  Or explore drawing in flour. And I certainly can't provide him with a load of happy playmates... And I also know that I need to work.  Unless we move into a smaller cheaper flat and forgo all treats and travel, I can't quit my job.

But knowing that doesn't always help.  Sometimes knowing just makes the guilt that much more.  I'd feel guilty if I took him away from nursery now - knowing how much he gains from it.  And I feel guilty keeping him in... just can't win!  But wanting to live in London, and be in a safe location, and near to friends we care about, and able to travel, and visit family, and buy books, and food, and save for the future and not worry about making ends meet - those aren't that selfish of desires are they?  Surely they balance out being looked after by someone else during the day.  Especially if that looking after is so positive!  So WHY does it feel wrong?

At least we've got a semi-compromise. I'm only working part-time so I can pick him up at 3:30 each day.  The afternoons are ours.  Currently he falls asleep nearly as soon as he gets home, but that's ok.  I can still give him kisses and cuddles on the walk home (which I probably do WAY too much!).  And I'm sure eventually I'll get used to it.  But right now, currently, I'm... well... mixed.