This is a bit of a rant... so to compensate I've got a lovely video at the end. Feel free to skip straight to it if you don't want to hear me whine about annoying strangers with well-meaning "advice."
Honestly, I don't mind :o)
Finn has not been sleeping well for a couple weeks. As in really really not well. The only way for him to sleep solidly in the night is if someone is holding him. If we're not holding him, he wakes up every half hour or so. Even when I bring him to bed with us which usually works a treat, he whimpers and can't sleep unless one of us either holds him, pats him, or nurses him. It's not fun and we're all very tired in this house.
So here's my quick rant: I've been told by (more than) a few people that this is our fault because we always go to him when he cries at night. I wanted to do a whole post about this issue because it drives me crazy. I wanted to discuss the whole idea of it being "good for a baby to learn that you won't come to them every time it cries" as something that I don't understand why I would want my baby to learn. Or the fact that "it's important for babies to learn to self soothe" is not considered a fact at all and is mostly a Western idea which parents in many countries would either laugh at or be confused about. Or maybe I would talk about the fact that I'm a scientifically minded person who doesn't like to take anything as a given without looking into it first (ie: everyone has a list of what pregnant women can and can't eat but when you look into the "why nots" on the matter, it tells a different story). And studies show that the idea of babies "needing to be taught how to self-soothe" (particularly by letting them cry it out) is not based on any fact (most studies say it is neutral and doesn't harm or benefit, some say that it can be detrimental, and none that I've found show a wholly positive impact). But I don't want to because it isn't important. I shouldn't have to explain myself.
I am not a judgemental person. I totally understand why some people want their babies to be independent early on. I get why this option works in many situations. Maybe if I was back in work and needed to be certain that sleep and feeding happened on a schedule I would be more rigorous and harsh with the way I treat naps and bedtime. I would never say that parents who choose to let their babies cry are "doing something wrong." In fact, I think it would take something along the lines of feeding an infant Diet Coke instead of milk/formula for me to even enter into a discussion of what is "wrong." People have to do what is right for them. What works for their sanity, in their life, with their baby. Which is what James and I are doing. So why do people feel the need to make us feel like we're making a huge mistake or that we're doing it wrong? I know this is our first baby and I know that I've had to ask advice about many things and I'm happy to listen to all the options and research the different theories. But our jobs as parents is to listen to all that and then make a choice. It may not be what is best for you but that doesn't make it wrong. The fact that I will lie in conversations about how he's sleeping so I don't have to be lectured in the supermarket is depressing. Or to avoid conversations that go along the lines of:
How old is he?
4 months.
Oh, so you've started sleep training him then?
No, we decided not to.
Oh God! You must be up all night! Aren't you exhausted?
Not really, he needs some help getting to sleep but once he's down he's pretty good.
Oh that's not going to last! He needs to fall asleep ON HIS OWN! You need sleep too, you know.
But we're getting sleep...
Whatever, I suppose it's your choice. But it's just a rod for your own back.
etc.
Why do people want to make parenting choices so divisive? Breast versus bottle. Solids versus purees. You let the baby sleep in your bed?? OMG! You put the baby in an entirely different room?? OMG! You use cloth? Hippie. You use disposable? Lazy. You know that pacifiers are a godsend/evil/not for use past 4 months/ok until 3 years, right? And people ask why I don't like going to "mummy meet-ups" or "coffee mornings." There's a fine line between advise and judgement.
Unfortunately none of the people who have made me so frustrated of late read my blog (I don't think). So this isn't really for any purpose than for me to rant a bit! (did I mention I was tired? I might also be a bit grouchy on account of a recent interaction at the weighing drop-in...). So there really is no point in justifying myself. But I do feel a bit better getting it all out! And while I'm at it, I would like to add the following facts into the equation:
1) Finn has been a bad sleeper for 2 weeks (2!). He was a brilliant sleeper for many weeks before that (ie: sleeping 12 hours with only one waking to eat and then go back to sleep)
2) these two weeks have coincided with his immunisation shots as well as teething
3) teething. did I mention that?
4) we live in a flat with relatively thin walls
5) we do give him the opportunity to fall back asleep on his own if he's only half awake whining or whimpering and sometimes he can do it. We only step in when it escalates to crying and it's obvious that he's completely woken himself up
6) He's gone through phases of bad sleep before and eventually sorted himself out again.
7) I did mention the teething right?
In other words: Yes. We go to him when he cries at night. We help him to fall asleep. If he's really upset, sometimes I will even let him (gasp!) nurse to sleep. And that is right for us. Lately he seems to be uncomfortable and extra clingy, so we are responding accordingly even if it means less sleep for us. And that is right for us. Yes, it is tiring, yes, it can be frustrating, yes, it can be overwhelming.
But that doesn't make it wrong.
WHEW! Glad I got that out! Now, as promised here is a lovely happy video of a giggly Finn. Sometimes I'm amazed and what he finds funny. You can sing and dance like a maniac and get absolutely no response... or you could simply wiggle your eyebrows and blink really fast and it's the funniest thing he's ever seen...
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